Onyxia, Kindergarten Style
- -by Kopfjagger Level 60 Undead Rogue Guild: Blood Fist, Earthen Ring
Chapter 1 AssemblingEdit
Taking a break from Molten Core, the Kingergartners assembled outside of Onyxia’s lair to see if they could best the big black dragon. Ironbinky stood outside the gaping maw of the dragon’s lair and surveyed the mighty fighting force assembled.
They were an impressive sight, to be sure. Mighty Tauren towered over the hunched over Forsaken. Proud Trolls, some in full pony-tailed splendor, laughed quietly with squat Orcs. A mighty assembly of the best the Grom Gol Kindergarten class had to offer.
Brittle broke the calm revelry with a shrill whine. “Peeshootah needs a summon… again…” he complained. “Some one hep me port da wazy piggy.” Everyone was suddenly busy fussing over the Velcro straps on their boots, adjusting various bits of gear and doing their best to avoid eye contact with Brittle.
Ironbinky walked over and stuck his hand in the white opening that appeared, trying to rip the head off of Peashooter. “Summah bedder hep us!” Nerfhoof shrugged and stuck his hand into the light as well. There was much whistling and ignoring going on but now that Brittle had his two helpers it was only a matter of time before Peashooter would show up.
Peashooter showed up and was about to thank Brittle for the port when he was bonked solidly on the head by Ironbinky. “How come firdy nine of us can get here on time and you need a port?!” I tiny foot stomped the stone floor of the cave opening.
The Orc hunter decided right there that he had enough. “You dun gedda talk to me like dat!” His meaty hands were balls of anger on his hips. “I do awot and no one cares addal!”
There was general agreement, which Peashooter took as support. Everyone else knew better. They were all agreeing with the second half of his statement.
“Fine,” said Ironbinky in the way that teenagers fight. “Fine,” he shot right back.
Shock lit up the Orcs green face.
Ironbinky stood toe to toe with Peashooter. Glowing yellow eyes met beady black rocks. “You, sir, are repwaceable!” To accentuate his statement, Ironbinky kicked Peashooter in the shin.
“I am not rewaceable!” His anger was betrayed by a quivering lip. It wasn’t that he really believed that, but Peashooter was grasping at straws.
Ironbinky just stared at him, glowing eyes steady. “Who hewah has a hunter alt?” His eyes were unwavering. Too many hands shot up to be counted. Even the hunters raised their hands. Eyes still on the now shaking Orc, Ironbinky gestured behind him. “Huntahs are like fleas,” he said low and maliciously. “Ebeybody has em!” Ironbinky tilted his head to the side as he pondered what he had just said. He shrugged it off. He was talking to an Orc, after all.
Peashooter collapsed. “Forgib me, Iwonbinky,” he groveled. “I wuz wong. I’m just a peon, unworvy ob –“ he made a horrible sniffing noise – “bein in da Kinnergarners ob Doom. Hewp me not suxorz so much!” And with that, Peashooter collapsed on the ground, bawling.
“Emo less,” n00bhatcher muttered. “Reawy, gawd,” replied more than a few tiny voices.
“Awright! Puwl yourselb togevah man!” Ironbinky allowed Peashooter to join the guild, but did not grant him permission to speak in their secret club-only language. That would have to come in time.
Turning to the assembled team, Ironbinky spoke loudly, “We weew buff inside da cave. Evewyboddy, moooove!”
Eighty tiny feet ran into the cave and stepped through the big green swirly. Last in was Peashooter, feeling very unloved. But, he told himself, it was either these guys or more pick up groups. PuG’s were worse than even Brussel sprouts.
Chapter 2 GuardsEdit
Everyone assembled inside the cave of the black dragon and stood around waiting for something to do. Ironbinky called out for buffs and warm fuzzies flew from tiny fingers. Sparkles, fuzzies, footy-paws and little swirlies surrounded the raid group.
“Awight pepohl,” he started. “According to da Ohnaxhee by da Nummers we gots ta fight froo a few iddle guys befowah we git to hewr. Bud eht shooden be too bad.”
Once the wiggly finger types had all of their blue back, and took the accompanying potty break from all that drinking, the raid group was ready to move forward.
“Peon Peashootah, you da puller is,” piped up Ironbinky. “An dun muss it up!”
With an audible groan, cut short and replaced with a weak smile, Peashooter walked down the windy cavern. He could not figure out how everyone was in front of him when he rounded the corner. Looking over his shoulder, then back at the raid group, he just sighed again and pulled out his blowgun.
“Where da bad guy is?” “Commin.” … “Git it.” “It’s commin!” … “Go GIT IT!” Mumbling under his breath about pulling too many at once, Peashooter wandered deeper into the cave. The raid group stood clustered together, complaining about someone touching someone else. “Stop Touching me” and “I’m not touching you” and “Don’t make me tell da Binky!” seemed to be getting out of control.
A scream from Peashooter brought them back to the task at hand.
“TWOOOOOOOOOO” he hollered.
“I dehnt want two… n00b.”
Angus and Ironbinky took off like bullets from a dwarven hand cannon. They both rammed into the same dragon kin. The second dragon kin kept chasing down the Orc hunter. Peashooter gave up and feigned death at the exact moment that SuzyQ wiz-bang healed Angus.
She died. Her death was brought on by the dragon kin’s very sharp teeth but she did not die until the dragon kin let out a series of flaming … well, let’s call it like we see it shall we… fart. That single fart tore everyone up.
Daisy was too busy holding her nose to cast a heal on herself, much less Ironbinky, who was trying to gain the attention of the dragon kin. Another fart went out and the kids scrambled over one another trying to get away.
“It buuuurns us!” n00bhatcher screamed out. Twitchy was already dead, his tableware firmly stuck in the thick hide of the dragon-man. Brittle tried to fear the creature away, but it just laughed at the tiny warlock before eating him whole.
Standing over the bodies of the fallen was Mouthcox. He looked up at Angus and for a split second he had visions of bravery. He quickly crushed that fleeting thought and ran for all he was worth towards the green swirly so very far away now. Nerfhoof shook his massively small Tauren snout before getting one-shotted by the dragon kin. Angus, now alone made a feeble ‘oops’ gesture at the dragon kin before being torn asunder.
--- Several Moments Later ---
Fourty little ghosts ran out of the little green portal and began to argue about who’s fault it was. Voices raised and tiny cherubic fingers flew in everyone’s face. Ironbinky was done trying to lead this rag tag group of Neanderthals. For all he cared, the dragon could eat every last one of em. He just sat down and sucked on his noobless pacifier.
Chapter 3 Guards… AgainEdit
Ironbinky was contentedly sucking on his noobless pacifier while the tiny terrors continued to point fingers and fling blame. He had no intention of calling a halt to their pettiness. He didn’t even mutter under his breath about their horrible behavior. The little Forsaken warrior just continued to suck on his pacifier contentedly.
Eventually, the raiding toddlers realized that they were repeating themselves. The gusto that their initial arguments possessed faded slowly until it petered out into a few huffs, some arms folded tightly under their chests and glares. Ironbinky just sat and sucked the whole time.
Silence is a remarkable thing. It is downright mythical if it can occur in a space that also contains forty kindergartners. Yet, this afternoon inside Onyxia’s lair, there were forty toddlers looking around at each other with nothing left to say. A squishy, sucking noise came from their feet as Ironbinky’s binky-tip cruised rapidly back and forth in front of his closed mouth.
Several very long moments after the silence became aggravating but unbreakable, a tiny meow was heard from behind the raid group. It was a soft, loving sound followed by a loud, rumbling purr. As the raid group turned to see the kewtness that spawned that sound, Peashooter began to make his way through the raid group. Tabby was on his shoulder, licking the Orc’s little green ear.
“Iwonbinky, Tabby and I can puww da baddies. Wet me puww em, and we’w geddum one adda time. Twust me.” And with that, he set Tabby down and kissed the little kitty on the top of its adorably furry little head.
Squish, squish, squish, squish…
Peashooter nodded at the sitting, sucking, raid leader and then faced the raid group. “Buff up ebewybody. We gots us a dwagon to keel.” Flashes of light, magical sounds and warm and fuzzies flooded over the raid group. When the calls for this or that died down and the silence resumed, Peashooter motioned for them to follow.
A long trail of tiny hordelings funneled through the cave before Peashooter called them to a halt. He explained how he would go and pull one at a time all the way back to them. No one was to follow too closely except for the main tank. When he looked around to find Ironbinky, his brows knit together. Ironbinky had followed them, but was seated again sucking on his pacifier.
Peashooter walked over to Angus and placed a hand on the Tauren’s shoulder. “We need you ta do da tankin Angus.” A huff escaped from the mouth of the Tauren as his shook his head violently from side to side while scratching his posterior at the same time. The beefy Tauren just nodded. Daisy was already fussing over the bunny suit and proclaiming how fire resist is so very important in here.
The little orc hunter pointed to Tabby and then to the ground. “Stay hon,” his soft voice commanded the kitten. “You be safe my widdle kitty katty.” He smiled at the kitten before turning on his Find da Baddies: Dragony Thingies radar. “Two ober der,” he called out. “Wait hewah and I’ll go get one. Angus, you fowwow me.”
Tiny Orc and not-so-tiny Tauren walked down the cave a few meters before Peashooter raised a fist. He whispered to Angus in a GI Thrall sort of voice: “Here comes one now... geh weddy…” Within seconds, a stomping Dragon-kin stormed towards Peashooter. The Orc stood his ground bravely, waiting for the impact, but at the last moment Angus declared his love of Dragon Steaks which caused the creature to swing at Angus first.
Slowly, Angus backed up the baddie until Peashooter declared that he was in the perfect spot and to stay right there. The hunter, however, continued to back up and only had one of the fart ringlets burn him. That was survivable and quickly Peashooter called for everyone to unload on the Dragon-Kin. Within seconds, it seemed like the entire world was trying to kill the creature who’s wonderful, full bodied flavor Angus was praising. Everyone that is, except for a Forsaken warrior sucking contentedly on a pacifier.
Within moments, the beast fell and Angus was gloating over the amount of food they had acquired. There was a small celebration before Peashooter called out that he was getting ready to pull the next one and that everyone should stay in the same spot. Again and with great precision, the raid group conquered the second guard. This was repeated steadily until the entire raid was standing at the edge of a massive opening.
Lying on the floor in the middle of the massive, nearly perfectly circular room, was a dosing dragon the size of a large building. Ooh’s and aah’s traveled reverently around the raid group. Their exclamations were punctuated by the squishing, sucking noise of the rapid-fire binky sucking of their de-motivated leader.
Chapter 4 Baby StepsEdit
The raid group was fidgeting. Angus was ready to charge in there and kick Onyxia in her scaly butt. Everyone kept calling out for all sorts of stuff, making Angus one impatient bull. Buff here, potions there, trading for stuff, brewing things, making snacks and so on. Nerfhoof actually fell asleep standing up. In short, it was chaotic.
Squish, squish, squish was all that was heard from their illustrious raid leader.
“Weddy?” Angus asked. “Nowah,” Brittle called out. “Ah need ta hab da warm fuzzy wubbin fwom da pweests.” Angus sighed. “Footy paws on me, pweese,” Chilly requested. Squish. “Weddy?” Angus asked. Squish. “Who da tank iz,” asked SuzyQ. “I’m outta da stuffs I need to do da footy paws,” Daisy replied. Squish. “Not me,” Peashooter replied. “Not you whu?” Daisy asked. “I’ll do it,” Angus piped up. He was now dancing back and forth doing a cross between a Tauren potty dance and the mambo. He was ready to go at least. Squish. Squish. “Can anywun makeah me one ob dem dar potions ob fiwah wesist?” “Yowah wanna do whu Angus?” “I weew if’n you hab all ob da stuffs.” “Tank.” “If’n I had aww ob da stuffs I would-ehnt need you ta bwew me one.” Squish. “Who’z da tanking iz?” “How do you wun outta stuffs?” Squish. Daisy was upset now. “We donnut hab enough dwoods! Dat’s how!” “I weew tank!” Squish. “Not you!” “Weddy?” Angus asked again. “I –still- need da FOOTY PAWS!” “Wait… whudduya mean not me!” Squish. “Yowah wacial abiwity is no good.” Everyone fell silent. Squish. Squish. Squish. “Oh no you deh-enht,” said SuzyQ “Deh-ent whu?” “You did nawt just make dis a wacial fing.” Rapid-fire, grin-hiding Squishes. “I hab a Dorf Pweest fwend. He could come and – “ Thirty-eight sets of eyes fell upon the traitor that admitted to knowing a Dwarf. “Dorfs are food, nawt fwends!” “It is NOT a wacial fing!” Squish. “He’s a fwend ob mine!” “FOOD!” Sq-sq-sq-sq-squish. “I… Weew… TANK!” Angus was getting horribly frustrated. “FOOTY PAWS! WTFBBQ!?” Squiiiiiiiish. “You not da tank iz, Angus.” Squish. “Iz dat cuz I’m a …. Toe-wahn?”
People looked around nervously. Someone was painting a sign of a little pawprint with finger paints ‘borrowed’ from class.
“Wook, da undead – “ “Forsaken!” Squish. “- whateveah, are beddah for tankin da Ohnexiah.” “You did make it wacial…” “There is a diffewance.”
A little sign went up of a pawprint, an exclamation point and a huge arrow pointing down. Daisy turned her back to the sign holder and tried to comfort Angus.
Squish. “Weddy?” Angus asked again. He was losing count now. “Eht iz NAWT a wacial fing, eht iz bean weasonawabahl!” “I hate you.”
Nerfhoof was snoring. Peashooter looked down at Ironbinky with a pleading look.
Peashooter bent down and whispered into the Forsaken’s ear. Ironbinky nodded. The pacifier went back into his pocket. He stood.
Everyone was silent.
Ironbinky was back.
Chapter 5 Get er Done!Edit
Ironbinky stood slowly. His tiny bones stuck out through his armor as he placed his colander on the ground. His beady little eyes glowed slightly as he looked over the raid group. Slowly, dramatically, he stepped onto the colander so that he was even with the Tauren.
"Pepowh," he began earnestly, "We gots ta gots ta keel dis dwagon. She da ebil iz. Annawhadda we do? Hmm? We snibble and whine like a buncha pwe-skoolers!"
Most of the young ones gathered around their leader looked abashed by his comparing them all to mere children. SuzyQ, however, took it as a personal affront and mentally crossed Ironbinky off of her healing list. If hes so grow-ed up, he doesnt need heals. She nodded her head sharply, which made Ironbinky think she was a team player. It was his own fault, really. Never assume what a woman is thinking: even if she is only five.
"Do we wanna keel us a dwagon today ebuhwybody? Hmm?" He was expecting cheers but instead received chastised and meek yes from everyone. "Dats not good enuf! Do WE wanna KEEL a DWAGON today?!" That reply was a little better he thought to himself, but still not good enough. "DO WE WANNA KEEL US A DWAGON!!?"
A roaring cheer went up amongst the raid group that was met with more cheers from their fearful raid leader. It seemed that the KoDs were back in action. The racket woke Nerfhoof up who proceeded to frostshock a rat in the cavern before he was fully awake. He could have sworn that the rat squeaked nerf before it died. He nodded at the rodential tribute.
"Dis iz how we do dis," Ironbinky recited from the Onyxia by the Numbers coloring book. "Der are, um he counted on his bony fingers, Four er Free phases to dis fight. Firsun we just sorta tickle her wif a liddle bit of beatings. Den she takes off and we hits her lots and hard wif da awwows and wiggly finger stuffs. Da hitters wewl be beating up the iddle biddy dwagon-fingies on da ground da whole time. Den she wewl land and we goes back to ticklin her til shes deed."
He beamed a smile at the raid group. "How hard can dat be?!" He was still smiling as he stepped down off of his colander and put it back on his head. His smile was contagious and soon the raid group was itching to get some killing done. SuzyQ, however, seemed torn for some reason as she looked around at those assembled.
Buffs were distributed now that there was some semblance of an order to their madness. Ironbinky allowed everyone time to get prepared, drink their blue juice and nibble on some snacks. Everyone and everything just seemed to be going splendidly from their safe little perch looking over Onyxia.
"CHARGE!" Ironbinky called out with gusto. True to his words, he ran towards the dragon. Angus was right behind him, followed soon after by the entire raid. Forty tiny hordelings streamed into the cave.
"How fortuitous," Onyxia taunted. She declared how nice it was to have her food delivered to her rather than having to get up and go get it herself. That made Angus stop dead in his tracks. He just realized that he was about 20 pounds of Grade-A Tauren steak. Heck, his mind taunted him, he would probably be classified as veal! N00bhatcher ran into his back, knocking them both over.
Ironbinky ran straight at Onyxia. So did everyone else. One long chain of little people running straight into the mouth of a Black Dragon.
She breathed a cone of fire at them.
Angus was rolling around, trying to put himself out, crushing n00bhatcher. Fending off the huge Tauren, n00bhatcher stuck his forks into Angus. That made the Tauren leap up into the air, just in time to catch the trailing end of the fire full force in the face. Blinded by the fire and terrified that he was being broiled to perfection, the flaming Tauren ran around in circles screaming about how the fire burns us. N00bhatcher never really stood a chance against the flaming hooves of an upset Tauren and was soon watching from his spirit perched over his scorched and squished bones. Angus had managed to finish off a few more of his team mates in his flight to be extinguished.
Daisy and Brittle were right behind Angus when the fire hit. Brittle didnt stand a chance once his dress caught on fire. It was horrible. The smell of burning, dead Brittle filled Daisys nose as she ducked behind him. She wrinkled up her nose and made a pee-you sorta gesture as she tried to put him out. Her efforts were hampered due to the one hand pinching her nose shut.
SuzyQ decided that Ironbinky still did not warrant any heals, so she made sure that Twitchy would live through this bout of fire. That is, until she died too. It was all Ironbinkys fault, she decided. He led them all to their deaths AFTER calling them pre-schoolers. Oh, the injustice of it all.
As the smoke cleared from the blast of fire, Twitchy and Peashooter found themselves standing in front of a very irritated and soon to be quite full dragon. Peashooter promptly fell over dead for no apparent reason leaving Twitchy to stand his ground against Onyxia all by himself.
Grabbing his didy and making a rude gesture at Onyxia, Twitchy proceeded to stick and move at the huge dragon towering over him. He actually hit her a few times before becoming lodged in her teeth. It took her a long time to get his tiny bones out from between her teeth.
--- several minutes later ---
"That sucked," Brittle muttered. His dress er robes were still smoldering. Mutters of agreement floated over the smoking raid group. Twitchy was calling out if anyone had seen his collar bone. He was short one collar bone; left side please, thankyouverymuch.
Daisy was talking quietly to Angus, trying to convince him to put the bunny suit back on. Her large fingers were playing with his horns as she spoke. Angus was sitting down, flopped over like a huge puppy. His hooves wiggled back and forth as he blushed and sure enough, the ears and fluffy tail went on along with the rest of the suit. Nerfhoof looked away, disgust evident.
N00bhatcher walked over to where Ironbinky was. Steam rose off of the Forsakens metal armor as water dribbled from his mouth down onto his armor. Grabbing the By the Numbers book, n00bhatcher took a look at it. Surely, their incompetent leader had missed something.
Gloating, n00bhatcher thrust the book back at Ironbinky. You missed a page, mah-roon! True to his statement, the crayon wax had made one of the pages stick. The part where the raid group is supposed to divide in half and assault her from the flanks was now revealed.
Ironbinky looked abashed as he examined the newly found pages.
You suck, n00bhatcher declared. Learn2Read imo.
Im Im twyin! Ironbinky retorted sadly.
Alright, SuzyQ conceded. Ironbinky may suck, but hes loads better than n00bhatcher. He was back on her heal list. No one picks on Ironbinky. Well, no one except her. She stood behind the demoralized raid leader and gave him a warm and fuzzy for good measure before making him all glowy. A small blue hand patted him on the shoulder before she whispered into his ear. "You may suck, Iwonbinky, but n00bhatcher still wets his bed."